On the same team

Although we have our fair share of tantrums and difficult days, overall I feel like Everly and I are on the same team. Lately I have really tried to keep this in mind at all times, and it is making things go even more smoothly.

When we are out at our various activities a lot of the time I see parents struggling to get their kids to cooperate. They use yelling, threats and time outs... and each week things don't improve. I often wonder if that would be me if I hadn't come across the Dr. Sears Baby Book, which opened my eyes to attachment parenting and from there to gentle discipline. I have read so many awesome books that have helped fill my parenting tool box, so I feel better able to cope with the difficult times.

Now that Everly is getting closer to the preschool age, discipline tends to come up more in conversations with other moms and I often have a hard time joining in. It seems most people use time outs and/ or punishments. I usually just smile and nod. I am not the type of person to launch into a mini-lecture on why punishments & rewards don't work, or what my approach is. If someone asks me directly I obviously tell the truth.

So what do I do when Everly does something that might warrant a time out in someone else's house? First of all if she is really mad and out of control I give her time and space to calm down. Adult or child, who is able to absorb information when they are feeling so upset? Once she has calmed down we will talk about the incident. For example if she hit me because she was mad that I wouldn't let her play with sharp scissors, I will first explain that I love her and that I don't want her to get hurt and sharp scissors could hurt her. Let her know I know it made her mad but she can't hit me and that it hurt. Then I will ask her what she could do to make me feel better... and she will almost always apologize and give me a hug. I don't know if this is the perfect GD way of doing things, but it has worked well for us, and at this point Everly will often apologize on her own once she has calmed down.

In terms of other "naughty" things like drawing on the carpet (UGH!). We just point it out and explain that she can't do that because it might not come off etc.. She actually does seem to listen and a lot of the time she won't repeat the "offense". Usually in these situations I am to blame for example I left a marker out when I knew she has been tempted to draw on "unapproved" surfaces.

I feel really positive about how we are dealing with Everly right now and feel like the bond her and I share is extremely strong.

Natural Consequences

I have recently seen too great examples of how natural consequences work.

1./  Everly was painting.  Which turned into Everly painting her hands.  I decided to tidy up the kitchen and had my back to her.  When I turned around there she was COVERED in paint all over her face.  Honestly I didn't really care that much.  At the same time it isn't something I want to encourage.  I grabbed my camera, filmed and took a couple pictures and fairly calmly took her upstairs to hose her down.  She did NOT appreciate having her faced washed.  After we talked about how if you paint your face it will mean having a shower, and getting water all over your face.  Today she tried just painting her nose, and I reminded her about how we would have to clean her face and she stopped.

2./ Everly and a friend got into some cream.  I found them with some on their bodies and faces.  They friend seemed shocked that I didn't get angry.  As I was trying to decide how to deal with the situation, Everly got some cream in her eye.  I was able to point out that that was one reason it is not a good idea to play with cream without a parent around.  They agreed and gave me the jar they had hidden.

The one thing that I am having a hard time with now is when I am around other parents.  Mostly my neighbour who's daughter is 4.  First of all her daughter is older so she does have higher expectations, but she also seems to have many more rules then we do in general.  Their home isn't close to as kid friendly as ours is, so there are a lot of rules to protect furniture and carpets.  The thing is sometimes I start feeling like I am too permissive when I spend a lot of time with them.  I know she is sometimes surprised with the things I don't worry about.  For example I let Everly play with water in her kitchen.  Which usually means water will get on our floor, area rug and even couch.  Not enough to cause alarm or anything.  A few times she seemed shocked that I didn't seem to care. 

I let Everly paint her hands, her rubber frog and a polly pocket.  It just doesn't seem like a big deal to me.  If she wants to do that that is fine.  I won't let her paint her cloth dolls obviously.  And when she is painting she has to stay in her chair.  I guess I just have to remind myself I do set boundaries... I just like to give Pooks lots of room to be a creative kid.

Surviving a Public Meltdown

Today Pookie and I went to the library and then to the mall.  We went into Mastermind, which always has lots of toys out for the kids to play with.  Pooks played for ages on the Thomas table and then with this wooden barn.  Then she says "baby" and races over to the babies.  She spotted some Corolle doll not in a box she had never seen before.  She grabbed it and cuddled it and started high-tailing it out of the store.  I raced after her and stopped her.  I got down on her level and explained the doll had to go back.  Then she started hugging it really tight saying "please please", in a desperate voice.  I might of got it for her but it was $20, and just not worth it.  After explaining to her that the doll had to go back with it's friends, she really lost it.  I moved quickly, picked her up, put the doll back and got out of the store.

I could hardly hold her because she was going all limp.  She was SOBBING so loud, and it seemed like everyone was looking.  I looked for a spot to put her down and talk to her.  She wouldn't stand and ended up lying down flat on her back in tears.  I tried reasoning with her, offered to take her to the pet store, but it was clear she just needed to cry.  Again I carried her, this time over to a soft bench.  I put her down and let her cry for a while.  OMG I swear EVERYONE was staring at us.  That was the only stressful thing about the whole situation.  I gave up sooner than I probably "should" of and took her down to the pet store.  There she slowly came out of "it", but she was still a toddler on the edge. :P  Finally she was calm enough that I could get her organized to go home.  

There is something really empowering about getting through a public tantrum without losing your cool.  So many times I see people yelling at their kids making the situation worse.  I am always sympathetic because it is so hard to deal with, at the same time I take notes on what NOT to do.   Next time if it happens I will take her to a place that is a bit more private so I can let her work it out.

Strong Will

It seems like just when I get used to a stage, and have figured out how to avoid any meltdowns, we move into a new stage.  Pookie seems to be moving into a phase where she really wants to do what she wants to do... now!  Her fuse is short these days (for her anyways).  In past months I have had a handful of tricks to make getting dressed, leaving the house/ play centre etc.  go relatively smoothly, but now those "tricks" aren't working anymore.  

I have read quite a bit on consensual living and subscribe to a CL yahoo group.  I am definitely inspired by some of the ideas behind it, but do not aspire to be fully consensual.  As much as possible I try to allow Pookie to do what she wants to do, as long as she is not going to get hurt or hurt others.  When it is practical I try to do things in the way she would like them done, but sometimes I need her to do what I want.  For example not put her smelly damp bathing suit on.  Before I really prided myself in being able to say something to make the situation OK with Pookie, or find an acceptable alternative.  These days, if she doesn't get her way it leads to a temper tantrum.  Which always leaves me feeling like I am not being a good parent.  Rationally I know that isn't true, but I still feel that way.

I think we definitely need to shift how we interact with Pookie now and let her feel in control as much as we can.  I am hoping I figure out this phase relatively quickly!!  I am feeling pretty happy with our decision to wait on baby #2.

Trying to understand timeouts for 1 year olds

I try very hard not to judge other people, but I find it extremely hard to do since developing such strong views on how I parent Pookie.  The concept of not using rewards punishment, & praise was new to me, but it really made sense.  From year of teaching ballet I came to my own conclusions that my goal was to get the kids to WANT to work hard all on their own, and to WANT to follow the rules because they made sense and it was in their best interest.  When I first started I leaned towards a lot of praise, and some punishment.  Since moving away from this model, my students have become harder working, better behaved and better dancers IMO.   Although it is very hard to use this method on older students who have never been taught how to push themselves.  I am having that problem now.  I find some of my older students need me to yell at them (they have actually requested it!),  or set up competitions constantly to get them to do their best. 

Anyways I was lying in bed last night trying to understand why a one year old needs timeout? (I don't plan to every use timeouts, but I find the use of them on 1 year olds more perplexing then on an older child)? I post on a very mainstream May 2007 board.  It seems like most of the mom's use timeouts, and I can't even think of what might warrant one.  Is it just that Pookie is really well behaved or is it just that what others might see as a problem that needs to be disciplined I see as a chance to redirect or educate.  Last night Pookie was standing on her booster chair, after asking her to sit with no results, I explained to her that she might fall down and hurt herself.  After she did a bit of a demonstration of falling and hurting herself she chose to sit there on her own.  I think Alfie Kohn really articulated it well when he said something along the lines of that you need to think of your long term goals as a parenting.  Using timeouts, bribes etc. certainly might get results, but in the long term it doesn't necessarily lead to the kind of child I want Everly to be.